What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 16.06.2025 11:27
What did i know ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why are white women not interested in dating Asian men? Are they not attractive to you at all?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He resisted the act ,that day.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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I said to her
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I waited trembling.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ive learnt so much.
I’m 17 and looking for a girl. What do I do?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So whats the point in blame.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She wouldn,t have been !
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was seconnd youngest,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I have no regrets .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I think the readers, may guess!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i lived it daily.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was scared of men, in general
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She loved him until the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was very sick at this time too.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was in good health!
My life is so biszare .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im still living with it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My family never makes their pension either.
This is soul school!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I don,t even have a pension.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We all went to grammer schools
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Who then, do I blame.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He knew the spot.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
But it wasn’t much.
But, we were locked up after school.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When she asked me how she looked .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We were not on the streets..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Put me off passion for life!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So, i spoilt her more .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.